You spin me right ‘round, baby right ‘round
Like a record, baby, right ‘round, ‘round, ‘round
You spin me right ‘round, baby right ‘round
Like a record, baby, right ‘round, ‘round, ‘round
Sorry for the ear-worm, dear Reader. But, when I feel like I am going in circles, this is the soundtrack. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Stuck. In a loop. Unable to move forward in the way we want to. The same worst-case scenario, thinking, breakdown or conversation on repeat, and without progress. There’s nothing quite as debilitating as the onset and persistent symptoms of a bout of ‘stuckness’. The type of stuckness that manifests in deadlocks in important conversations, that shows up in our inability to think ourselves into a solution for a challenge or problem in our lives, that makes us feel like a visitor in our own life, and that impacts our most important relationships when we can’t find ways to constructively address persistent breakdowns with others.
This time of year, metaphorically speaking, is the time when we are all driving on muddy roads. Or for those reading in the Northern Hemisphere: it’s as if we’re busy driving in deep snow. What I mean is, it’s a risky period, and the chance of getting our cars stuck in the mud or the snow, is pretty high. For one, by the time October comes, we have a good bit of year behind us, and chances are that fatigue is beginning to set it. Now add to that the fact that 2022 has been the ‘back to normal, but still in a pandemic’ year, where we’ve all had to manage all kinds of shifts, adjustments and changes. Even if you yourself are still feeling fairly high energy, chances are that the people around you, are not. And so the potential spaces for misunderstanding and breakdowns become higher and higher as the year progresses.
"Stuck in", and yet disconnected
What’s interesting about feeling stuck, is that it seems to bring with it an overwhelming feeling of disconnectedness. So, despite being ‘in’ an argument, or ‘in’ a conversation, or ‘in’ a breakdown, despite constantly thinking about whatever challenge it is we’re facing, or lying awake at night conceptualising scenarios, paradoxically we may also feel very removed from ourselves, from the conversation, or from the relationship. Despite our involvement, we’re feeling disconnected. An interesting question that has therefore emerged in my work is: When we face a sense of being stuck in a part of our lives, how we can cultivate connection, to ourself, to others, and to the world around? One of the ways in which I work with this topic with my clients, is through an exploration of rituals, a method that humans have been relying on for many, many years, in vastly diverse and powerful ways.
Enabling connection through rituals
Casper Ter Kuile writes in his book ‘The Power of Ritual’ that a ritual or practice is something we do with ‘intention, attention and repetition’. So, running four times a week is not enough if we’re also dictating emails in our head while doing it, because a ritual asks that our attention is on the ritual itself. Similarly, cooking a meal with colleagues is not sufficient once every six months, a ritual relies on repetition.
But why use ritual as a way to enable connection? Isn’t it counter-intuitive to expect a practice that is habitual and repetitive in its very nature to counter stuckness? That’s one perspective. The other is that our lives are made up of a series of big and small moments that are deeply meaningful to us because of the intention, attention and repetition behind them. These moments are often linked to the cultivation of relationship, to finding meaning, to vulnerability, and to a sense of connectedness with others and the world around us. Consider life-changing moments like birth, celebrations, falling in love, finding purpose, being part of an incredible team, reconnecting with someone, and how they stay with us. How they are the opposite of feeling stuck or disconnected.
It's interesting how we might draw on the characteristics of these ‘moments as rituals’ to:
Connect us to our authentic, whole self, by taking us out of the space of stuckness, and towards the multiple other parts of our being, often involving movement or play, less thinking and more being in our bodies.
Connect us to others by engaging in a practice like having a meal together, or exercising together, by building a space where we can be together in a different way, with attention and intention, and feel connected to what truly matters to us in the relationship.
Connect us to nature to draw on the calm and inspiration of the natural world around us, and creating a sense that Casper calls ‘being at home in the world’. Perhaps being in a nature may also change your own internal emotional space countering feelings of anxiety, resentment or resignation, all prone to show up during times of feeling stuck, and restoring ease and calm.
I am wondering what rituals you already have in your life, or that you would like to begin practicing, that if you were to turn to them with intentionality, might open up something in the conversation with yourself or with someone else, that will leave you feeling a little less stuck, and a little more connected?
Better yet, in the words of the inimitable Mary Oliver in her poem Wild Geese, perhaps it’s about regularly placing yourself in the world, finding ways towards your place.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
The world offers itself to your imagination,
Calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
Over and over announcing your place
In the family of things.
~ Marike